battlecry

every minute used will lead me there. every minute wasted will lead me away.

this is the start. sounding the horns! may is going to be the month when things are accomplished.

one step

effin pathetic. i just realized that almost half of my father's salary goes to my allowance. but somehow i managed to spend them all. i don't know where i got the idea that i am rich. maybe from eating too much of what media fed me. but its time to wake up now. though i am not poor, i am also not uber rich hence the need for moderation. but that is not what's pathetic. it's just a part of it. what's pathetic is that despite being given everything i ever want or need, i still end up not being able to do what i am supposed to do for the sole reason of laziness. not how you expect a person who believes that to someone to whom much is given much is expected to live right? i can't start my thesis! i can't start anything at all. okay, so there were certain enlightened moments that manage to push me to start. but then they only last for like hours. then i can't finish what i started. i want to change for the better. however the problem is, doing so requires much much effort which unfortunately is not soemthing i can easily give. exerting effort is not my forte. hahaha. but its true. i have this this tendency to just slack off and watch things go by then pour out my regrets somewhere over the net. the worse part is the fact that no matter how long i wait, nobody can change this situation but me. the rise and fall of my life and the life of several people for that matter lies in my hands. oh joy. should i start telling people to get their life vests already? this is a cycle i must get out off. i know. its just that sometimes it is...difficult.

*i planned of not posting this blog. just in case there are actual people who read this blog. i might come off as lazy. hahaha. but then i promised to document everything. and this here is a big part of that everything. this post is not a rant but rather an acknowlegement of what really is happening as of the moment.

and since this is already here, let this be a declaration of war as well. getting out of this cycle is difficult, yes. but never impossible, double yes. specially when you're covered by THE blood, 10 to the nth yes. one step at a time. i'll be making progress soon. come on self. progress!!!

strangers again

this is wong fu's (more of philip wang's actually) scientific analysis of how a relationship goes about. the individuals start as strangers. then they start knowing each other. then they become a couple. when they're already comfortable with each other, a fork in the road comes out. either they grow and flourish together or they take each other for granted. the former leads to a happily ever after while the latter leads to the unwanted but inevitable break up, after which they become strangers once again.

i like the plot. especially the way it was presented. "I wanted Josh to break the fourth wall and address the audience. I wanted him to tell the story from different stages and therefore from different time periods. While the narrative is linear, Josh speaks from the past, present, and future, so his commentary is jumping around. I wanted to do this because it sort of made him self aware of what was to become of the relationship. It’s like going back in time and telling yourself, this is what’s going to happen to you two, and also predicting what will happen in the future. Josh tells his story of his relationship from an omniscient position, something I’m sure we wish we could all have in real life, but is only possible in a scripted video" -as philip wang puts it. short but sweet. better than most hollywood movies. these guys should go make their own big time movie. but that is besides the point.

this video was based from one of philip's xanga entry. i read it. it was very..true.if i haven't seen what really is meant to be, that is. from his (and the world in general) perspective, breaking up and going through all that moving on stuff is normal. but the thing is, it is not. why does it happen? only because he (and everyone with him) believes that it should. relationships aren't meant to be broken. if it does, it's not because it was not meant to be. it's because  it was born from wrong foundations. if the purpose of a relationship is just to make you feel good, to ensure security, to feed your need or desire to fall in love, or for whatever purpose aside from marriage, then it would always be wrong. reality is, relationships are darts and marriage is the innermost circle in the middle of the dart board. the other person should not just be your unicorn. he/she should be the unicorn that you would want to be with until forever. otherwise, he/she will just be like any other unicorn. then using unicorn as a metaphor would be futile. haha. if you don't consider marriage, then stop at stage 2. don't go on with the chase anymore. what would you chase each other for anyway? and that, my friends, is the point. my point.

i still love the short movie though.

i wonder. will one of my rants ahem blog posts become the spring board of a movie someday? hmmm...

i miss high school all of a sudden. it can't be helped when your desktop background is a picture with high school best friends. i am reminded of the times when i still had college ahead of me, when everything was easy, when i still had my room all to myself. haha. it feels so different now. i still have a lot ahead of me. but their more of responsibilities. nothing is simple anymore. this is why i don't want to reach this age. but time won't stand still. the clock's hands never tire of running. even if i take off the batteries.

just got back home from morong, bataan. beach trip with family and relatives.awesome. as usual, i slept during the travel going there. the view at sctex is nice. its like what you see on american movie road trips. it's just that i got so familiar with it already that i can afford to catch some zzzs in place of the constant oohs and ahhs. when we got there, i shocked everyone with my uber red lipstick anne curtis look.haha. now that was blog worthy. it's my first time to wear make up in front of these folks. simply because it is only this year that i learned to do so. such a late bloomer. i just realized that make up is actually something i can enjoy. initially, i thought it was just for girls who thinks they need enhancers. now that mindset is broken. make up is for girls who want to reflect the beauty they feel inside. nobody told me that. just an instant paradigm shift.

anyways, enough about that. after the usual catching up, we checked out the beach. epic view. sun hiding behind clouds, exposing just enough hallelujah rays to make us all go omg. and when we can no longer restrain ourselves, swimming galore! low tide but the waves were strong. i didn't swim, i floated. waves pushed me and my yellow salbabida ever so gently to the shore while i stared blankly into the sky. most relaxing experience so far. 

after dinner, me and the younger ones spent some time by the beach. it's common to see a night sky with stars. however, a sky jam-packed with stars is a different story. wanted to take a picture of it badly but the camera won't allow us. so, sorry. that sky will be exclusively for my memory only. 

the next day, i woke up at around 5am, thinking i would have the beach all to myself. but then when i stood up, everybody began stirring up too. the end result, i wasn't able to maximize my alone time. but we started taking pictures early in the morning. haha.

what just happened

the last few days were...a mess. i passed through them semi awake. i scheduled stuff but they never came to completion because i was...lazy. oh yeah. i was sooo excited in doing my thesis before because one, cv was working, and two, i had a graduation to attend. supposedly. but now that all thats gone, i don't feel like doing it anymore. actually, i don't feel like doing anything.

well, i did some things here and there like

1.meeting up with aiza and patricia
2.having a heart to heart talk with mae
3.winning souls with ate LV, kuya Kai and kuya Vin.
4.attending post enc graduation
5.bringing Sarah to the service
6.watching source code with Kate
7.enrolling for review
8.watching a lot of wong fu productions videos

i could've done so much more. i scheduled so much more. and so, i am left with a long list of to dos. procrastination and cramming. just like the old days. this is why i didn't graduate on time. this is the reason of all those emoness. and now i am doing it all over again. the problem with me is that i don't want to learn from my mistakes. i like repeating them. that's why i get the same results too. oh joy.

i should stop before this turns into a rant post. happy posts, remember? i should blog about things with sense more. haha.

where did you cme from?

i blog because of archives. haha. i like rereading my posts from waaay back. a few years from now, i don't think i would enjoy rereading rants. so it's time to make this blog happier. happy blogs come from happy experiences. happy experiences come from happy thoughts. happy thoughts come from the right perspective. the right perspective comes from the right foundation. working on that one now. ooh. exciting :)

talk with atel LV at froyo

the way i responded revealed what was really inside my heart. i was all about my accomplishments, my image, my plans. that was why when when i learned that i can't graduate, i shattered into pieces.i won't be able to accomplish anything, my image would be ruined, my plans would not be fulfilled. that what was there all along. that was the real root of all those emo moments. wrong foundations.

wake up

woke up at around 6.45 am. got up at 10.45 am. convinced myself why i should get up during the four hours in between. i thought i was over it. apparently not. i was still emoing over my lost shot at graduation and all the people and events connected to that.

applied for residency. accidentally met this person along the way. we enrolled together. she won't be marching this april too. but unlike me, she was just full of joy. she was all hey, it's okay! :). she didn't say it to me directly but that was what she released into my melancholic atmosphere. that was when it hit me. it IS okay. i've been putting to much drama on this issue, even pulling people towards my misery. but the things is, it's not that big of a deal. graduation is a big deal, alright. But its not that big to make me ruin the rest of my life and the relationships that i have. i may have done a major major fatally idiotic mistake but it's not yet the end of the world. i still have a lot of tomorrows. and if i continue drowning in this i-am-not-okay state of mine, then all those tomorrows would lose their promise too. another major major fatally idiotic mistake. that, i can't anymore afford to make.

it's just a matter of perspective after all. there are more important things. now, i see. i won't be sad for the rest of my life. i refuse to accept defeat!

kamote cancelled

just came from greenwich. double mozarella and garlic + four seasons saved the day! :) the original pig out plan was supposed to happen at bigoli.however, jeeps heading towards sm/trinoma where there are vacant seats are not that easy to find. in fact, they can't be found at all.

Balit kapag kailangan mo ng *insert location* jeep wala. kapag hindi mo kailangan ang dami dami.

when there was no more patience left, i rode a philcoa jeep and decided to go greenwiching myself instead and cancel the journey for the search of the kamote. funny, kuya manong guard of red ribbon readily opened the door for me, thinking i would eat there. he knows me already because of all my cake trips. actually, i considered red ribbon too. but then, this is not the time for cakes. i need serious food. thus, the pizza.
 
seeing oble wearing his sablay hurt me though.

kamote ain't so sweet

ayoko na atang gumraduate. hasssssssssssssle.

now i need to rearrange my schedule. things didn't work the way i planned it. first of, i bought gabi instead of kamote. hahaha. unaware much. it was only when i was collecting the peel that it came to me. could this possibly be gabi? oh my. tried to continue. i have this notion that cv and i are good friends. that notion was broken earlier. the computer kept on hanging!!!! i was advised to return tomorrow to see whether cv will be ready by then.   i even skipped lunch just to work with cv. but cv doesn't want to. even equipments have mood swings. what the.also, of all the days that sir marte would follow rules, he chose it to be today. i had a hard time borrowing the electrodes. well. okay, he just asked me stuff. but the last time i borrowed he just made me sign my name. btw, he asked my name 5 times this day. 3 of those occured within 30 minutes. lolo, isda you???  still, tried to continue. went to cs to see my ever beloved ma'am nena. i just found out i still need to undergo the hagardous enrollment process. i thought everything would be easier since technically speaking, i am not anymore enrolling. i am just applying for residency. because i was already sooo tired, i asked her if i can just do what she is asking me to do tomorrow. her answer: bakit kailangang ipagpabukas pa? oo nga naman. so i pushed myself. went to csrc dragging every semi alive cell in my body. the rest have shut down already. most of my brain cells for instance. @csrc, long line. i won't go through this just to print my form 5a. went to sc. checked crs. apparently, i still need to to go to the our to fix some stuff. and that my friends, is when i gave up. bakit kailangang ipagpabukas? kasi ayaw ko na. only 1 hour of sleep. haven't anything yet aside from 2 empanadas ( the manna of my life). walked, climbed the stairs, descended the stairs from 9 am 'till now. rejected by cv. so. no, i am not doing this anymore. and now here i am. blowing off steam.

note to self. can't function without sleep. do not forego sleep ever again.

i have a lot of explaining to do with ma'am nena tomorrow. i think i'll let cv rest. i will just go through all the pains of enrollment instead.

today, i was told to fight. right now, i think i did put up a fight out there. i just don't know if this is still what i will be thinking a few hours from now when the reality that what i went through isn't even half as hard as what others are going through sinks in. but for now, i will journey in search of the real kamote. 





 

shift

I belong to a line of fighters. my paternal grandfather survived the bataan march. my maternal grandfather has this long scar across his belly which he got from some war. he was a soldier too. my paternal grandmother fought to raise her nine children. my maternal grandmother would win the dakilang ina of all time because of everything she went through. definitely. my father fought poverty. from a boy who sells pandesal to the engineering and water system head of a real estate company. my mother fought depression. my sister fought cancer. and here i am, i can't even fight for my graduation. it's supposed to be generational. what happened to me? am i adopted?or is it because...this is just the beginning of the real thing? the latter. more likely. because i look a whole lot like my father. haha. this is our family's heirloom- strength and courage. it's in my dna. seems like it is not yet expressed as of the moment. thankfully, somebody is working on it now. just wait and see. i'll have my victory soon. very, very soon. 

actually, this is not what i oringinally typed. the original post began with "i am sad". it was then followed by a list of reasons of why such a statement came about. good for me, wisdom sank in somewhere along the way.

The voice of truth, tells me a different story. The voice of truth says do not be afraid/ The voice of truth says this is for my glory...I would choose to listen and believe the voice of truth. 

to form beautiful, strong and wise women, i have to be one myself. someone is already doing the forming for me. a clay that runs away cannot be made into a useful pot. so i stay.

exciting. wonder what will happen next...it's like the first episode of a jdorama that would be staying in mysoju's list of top dramas. or the first chapter of a manga that would defeat naruto. :)

to destiny! bonsai! :))

untitled is overused

i want to watch SA all day long. and kaicho wa maid sama too. for the nth time. i lke usui better than kei though. thank you mangakas for your wonderful contribution to the world. specially my world.

that aside. i should stop sulking already. this is not me. can't just exchange me destiny for a bowl of soup. scrap sulking. the more i'm not okay, the more i should go. wisdom will forever evade me if i go on with this drama. there does not necessarily mean them. but. i want it to be them.won't think too much from now on.


you can't live without sharing your life with people. make it easier for them and for yourself. tear down the walls.

melabwatido.just now

i am a scientist. not many people can say that :) ilabet. and now i start making my contribution to the scientific community. ohyes. would put everything i have here for the next few weeks. and i'll enjoy my scientist days. way cool.

bieber blast!

bloger seems to be filtering emo posts. typed a very long emo post. it was not published!!!! instead, it was deleted. it deleted itself. very well then, delete yourself.  emoness over, now na!

this will not be an emo post. this will be the sounding of the horns.

how i am going to arise from this rubble where i am now is out of my wits. there's gonna be a lot of drama ahead, that's for sure. but then, that's what makes it exciting, baby. for now, all i know is that i need lots and lots of moolah. my parents are very much willing to support me. but i want them to enjoy their lives too. it's time they spend what they earn for themselves. so it's also time for me to depend on myself. inhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale. kaya ko 'to. exhale. according to my calculations, i need to earn 27k per month. 10k will go to living expenses and 17k will be saved for med school. where i am going to find a job that would provide such amount is still a mystery. plan b is to have several jobs.

so. here's the plan. rrl this weekend. experiments next week. 13and1/2 lives of captian blue bear + latte with hazelnut syrup + bigoli + movie on april 17. manuscript writing during holy week. polishing thesis + substi forms + math 55, week after holy week. should be free by may. driving lessons + job hunting + house hunting, first week of may. chem boards review, 3rd week. should have work/ works and house by july.

it also looks impossible to me. but if there's one thing i learned out of what happened, it's to never say never. *bieber blast, ha!* if i fought early, i might have won the battle. so now, i'll learn from my mistakes. it's the only thing i can get from my delinquency. so better make the most out of it. two things: maturity and a great amount of resolve. in other words, turn my weaknesses into strengths. i think i see where He is going with this. game.

i will be blogging more. everyday. every hour if need be. my journey to success should be properly documented.

the first round begins :)