one step

effin pathetic. i just realized that almost half of my father's salary goes to my allowance. but somehow i managed to spend them all. i don't know where i got the idea that i am rich. maybe from eating too much of what media fed me. but its time to wake up now. though i am not poor, i am also not uber rich hence the need for moderation. but that is not what's pathetic. it's just a part of it. what's pathetic is that despite being given everything i ever want or need, i still end up not being able to do what i am supposed to do for the sole reason of laziness. not how you expect a person who believes that to someone to whom much is given much is expected to live right? i can't start my thesis! i can't start anything at all. okay, so there were certain enlightened moments that manage to push me to start. but then they only last for like hours. then i can't finish what i started. i want to change for the better. however the problem is, doing so requires much much effort which unfortunately is not soemthing i can easily give. exerting effort is not my forte. hahaha. but its true. i have this this tendency to just slack off and watch things go by then pour out my regrets somewhere over the net. the worse part is the fact that no matter how long i wait, nobody can change this situation but me. the rise and fall of my life and the life of several people for that matter lies in my hands. oh joy. should i start telling people to get their life vests already? this is a cycle i must get out off. i know. its just that sometimes it is...difficult.

*i planned of not posting this blog. just in case there are actual people who read this blog. i might come off as lazy. hahaha. but then i promised to document everything. and this here is a big part of that everything. this post is not a rant but rather an acknowlegement of what really is happening as of the moment.

and since this is already here, let this be a declaration of war as well. getting out of this cycle is difficult, yes. but never impossible, double yes. specially when you're covered by THE blood, 10 to the nth yes. one step at a time. i'll be making progress soon. come on self. progress!!!